I think I'm broken. Caution; feels.

"TheOnelectronic" (theoneelectronic)
10/27/2013 at 16:17 • Filed to: None

You know how you can justify present effort with the promise of future reward? Yeah, I can't do that.

When I'm interested in something, I am a force of nature. I spent two months, almost 18 hours a day, working on making a car for a video game .

When I'm not interested, though, it is literally painful to work on it. It creates a back-pressure that acts against any motivation I can muster. It's like trying to launch with the handbrake on. Uphill.

I think a lot of this is because I cannot establish that link. I can't say "If I work on this now, it will bring me closer to ____ in 20 years!"

I can't even perform simpler leaps like "It will be a lot easier to do this now than it will be to do it 2 hours before it's due."

I'm intelligent. I know I am. It's just frustrating when I can't demonstrate that to the people who need to know. I can't make myself work on a statistics worksheet, but I'll spend 3 days without sleeping to make a file transfer protocol system.

In minecraft.

DISCUSSION (41)

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:21

I know the feel, bro.
For some reason, reading Thus Spoke Zarastruta sort of helped me on that. Although it is still hard. When I feel I'm about to break down again, I just think of how I'm closer to the Übermensch than my former self, and keep my head up.

lepie > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:32

I know how you feel. Haven't found a way to fix it. Will get back to you.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:36

Same here. See responses to my post . I know, it sucks—all you ever hear is "Just do it, you slackass."

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

I've just discarded all notions of success and worth society has instilled in me, and I am finally happy again. The "no big deal" mentality with different reasoning.

TheOnelectronic > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
10/27/2013 at 16:37

The trouble is I'd prefer to not be kicked out of school...

lepie > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
10/27/2013 at 16:38

I raise my beer to you. Fuckin' A!

Blondude > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:43

Holy crap, you just described me to a T. It's strange how so many people here have the same problems. I think we're secretly all the same person living in different dimensions.

*puts on tinfoil hat*

Atomic Buffalo > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:44

"I'm intelligent. I know I am. It's just frustrating when I can't demonstrate that to the people who need to know."

I do not understand. Who do you think needs to know that you're intelligent, and why?

If you're thinking "employers would give me the awesome job if only they gave me an opportunity to show them I'm smart enough to do it," stop that. Nobody is going to come along and recognize your untapped ass-kicking potential — you have to be kicking ass at something to get a shot at anything non-menial.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:50

Sounds like Aspergers Syndrome. Welcome to the club, I'll send you the membership package which includes a shirt, a couple of pins, five bumper stickers and a club ID card.

On a serious note, I feel like that everyday and like JayZayEighty said, don't feel trapped into fitting in with the roles society seems to instill on us. Dare to be you.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:50

Not really what I am suggesting; you should interpret them as you see fit. All I am saying is that satisfying expectations thrust upon you will make you happy through materialistic and superficial means, but I have found that true enjoyment of your life is much simpler than your parents or peers would have you think. I have always been the odd man out, if only because I was not interested in simple things and your typical games and activities, which gave me a broader perspective and more time to think beyond the periphery. The answer does not lie within the boundaries of your typical "self-help" resources, I can assure you. The reason behind the indolence of intelligent people is subconscious greater understanding which are self-suppressed. Some of the responses will possibly be helpful if you consider ideas beyond ones you want to consider or are told to consider.

(This is coming from someone who would always beat himself up—not literally, of course—over procrastination and sloth and inability to conform. I used to have anxiety due to having expectations of myself I did not have an intrinsic desire to meet. Sustained inner conflict is never a good thing.)

Mattbob > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 16:52

Welcome to my life. Success is still possible though, very hard, but possible. Get rid of all your distractions. I think my only saving grace is I feel like shit after I realize how much time I have spent playing games etc.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
10/27/2013 at 16:53

I always wondered if I had it. I'm pretty socially awkward and all, too; being the odd man out, etc. I guess it's good to actually have a firmer grasp and understanding why that might be—thanks. I'll email you the shipping address, haha.

Blondude > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
10/27/2013 at 16:53

Wait, there was a shirt? How come I never got one?!

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > lepie
10/27/2013 at 16:57

Copying and pasting a response, but this is the change I've experienced after I have gotten a firmer grasp on what I thought was the problem:

———————————————-
People are also saying a manifestation of ADD or Aspergers, and that makes sense. Good luck, man.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Blondude
10/27/2013 at 16:57

BRB Fed Ex

Blondude > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
10/27/2013 at 16:58

Make sure it's a Large!

Anon > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 17:00

I'm the same way, I can only really be motivated to do what I want I want to do. However when I do something I do it better than just about anyone because I pour my soul into it and become semi reclusive.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > lepie
10/27/2013 at 17:01

Tha... thanks... brah.

Kinja'd!!!

trynthink > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 17:03

I'm not a doctor , but this sounds exactly like ADD.

I know there are a lot of people who think ADD is a) over-diagnosed and b) a medical excuse for being a lazy, no-good... but there are profound differences in what's happening inside the brain of someone who has ADD and someone who doesn't. Moreover, the trend in excessive diagnosis primarily applies to 8 year olds, who could all be described as "hyperactive" and who all have "difficulty self-regulating." It's different when those same challenges manifest themselves in adults.

I take it from your comments that you are a student. If you are in college/university, I'd encourage you to seek out the campus mental health/counseling center. Their services are probably free and they can help you determine whether you should pursue evaluation for ADD/ADHD. They can also direct you to other relevant resources on and off campus. If they are unhelpful, seek out a counselor off campus, preferably someone who specializes in the treatment of attention disorders.

If you're in high school, talk to your school's guidance counselor, nurse, or if your school has one, psychologist. They can offer similar support to what you might find at a college mental health center.

I'd strongly encourage you to seek out these resources and be persistent with respect to diagnosis and treatment. Good luck, and reply or PM me if you have questions.

lepie > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
10/27/2013 at 17:06

I've been diagnosed with ADD and aspergers. I've been put on ritalin, and later dextro-amphetamines when i was a child. It made me very complacent, so doctors said that it was an 'improvement'. I stopped taking it when i was old enough to legally do so.

I've faced many hardships, but one thing remained. I wasn't going to let anyone force their will upon me ever again. I've always had trouble working for a boss as well.

I now run my own business, and am doing much better. I do things my way. I'm not saying i don't have to make compromises, but at least now i'm part of the dialogue.

I think that the answer really is quite simple.

LISTEN TO YOURSELF! All my life i've been taught to shut myself out from what i was actually doing. My opinion didn't matter. All i'd ever come up with would be WRONG. All my teachers told me i was bound to end up as a failure. They all told me i'd end up in the gutter.

Well let me tell you. The gutter is fucking awesome. My life changed once i started listening to myself, respecting myself, doing what I think is right. I make more than any of them now, and i love every fucking minute of it.

Don't let anyone keep you down, man. Never.

trynthink > trynthink
10/27/2013 at 17:14

Just to clarify, I'm not trying to provide some kind of diagnosis, per se. I'm simply suggesting that speaking to someone who is familiar with the finer points of human psychology can probably provide some context for what you're experiencing, whatever it might be.

More importantly, if you are at risk of getting kicked out of school, that might happen in a time frame much shorter than self-introspection allows, and the appropriate person(s) at your school might be able to intervene on your behalf and prevent that from happening while you sort all this out.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > lepie
10/27/2013 at 17:14

Kinja'd!!!

Wow, that must have been terrible as a child. I agree completely—nothing matters more than happiness, and you know how to achieve it only if you are able to avert your vision away from societal expectations and cover your ears to the music of propaganda. Anyone telling you to do things you find you can't do is a cog of the system; a speaker relaying the messages that were relayed to them. We are animals . The insightful ones find out how they can be satisfied, the typical ones insert themselves into a system that gives them a feeling of security. And selfish, ambitious ones of the typical mindset will find out away to suppress insight.

...and those are the voices telling you you're "broken," Electric.

lepie > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
10/27/2013 at 17:20

My childhood wasn't much fun, no. I'm only really starting to enjoy life now, when i'm almost thirty. I could think that i've lost out so much, but then again, i'm more alive now than anyone i know.

Meeting people like you always makes my day, though. Knowing that there are awesome people out there that are beating out a new trail so that, maybe, one day our society might rethink the true meaning of life. So, thanks.

Lachlan - #ForzaJules > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 17:23

That sounds exactly like me man. I'll spend hours a day for a week drawing one picture then start a paper an hour before it's due. In fact, that's precisely what I did last week. 95% of the time I allot for studying is spent finding other things to do, even when I know I need to study and I don't have anything else important to do. I can have an assignment due the next day and I'll sit in front of my computer staring at a blank word document for hours just thinking about other things. I completely understand how painful and frustrating it can be to work on something you're not interested in. I wish I could offer you some advice but I feel like I'm stuck in the same place you are. Try listening to some good music, that seems like the only thing that can sometimes drag me out of the hole and give me some motivation.

Agrajag > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 17:25

Sounds like you've figured out what is better for you isn't necessarily what other people or society thinks is best for you, and haven't realized that it's a good thing. Reading the thoughts of a long dead Roman emperor helped me realize that. Just reading philosphy in general always has a way to rationalize things.

"What is your profession? Being a good man."
-Marcus Aurelius

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > Atomic Buffalo
10/27/2013 at 17:26

I agree perceptions are irrelevant, but the basis of society is proving yourself. It's just an anxiety-inducing system that can only result in exhaustion or shame. Feelings of fulfillment are never deeply beneficial as they are superficial and always materialistically motivated. That's my experience, anyways.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > lepie
10/27/2013 at 17:42

I'm sorry to hear that, and yeah, what I've found out is that the present is really all that matters. The feeling is mutual; it's really reassuring to find you aren't the only person who is able to truly think outside the boundaries defined for us. It's unlikely that the course of society will be reversed, but possibly a more progressive place will be overtaken by our mentality. Thanks to you too, and all the best.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Blondude
10/27/2013 at 17:49

You and I are the same size, how fitting

bourgeoisie > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 18:06

Not to be the contrarian, but I disagree with all the "shine on you special snowflake, you" responses in this thread.

At various times, I've felt how you feel. Then I "grew up". It really only became apparent in hindsight, which is why I say I "grew up".

It's easy to look for outward explanations (asperger's, add, etc.), and there very well could be something to that. But my own experience has proven that for me, it was simply a matter of maturity.

When I was 21 (this was in the 2000s, so I'm not an old ), my dad moved to another state and I had no choice but to sack up and maintain a job so that I could afford to live like an adult. I found an apartment and lived in it for 3 years, paying my rent and other bills on time each month. Prior to this, I had always had a hard time managing money. I only moved out of that apartment because I bought my own house.

I guess the moral of what I'm saying, if there is one, is that each of us makes choices. Choosing an activity you like over an activity which you know needs doing, is immature. Maturity is about self-discipline and doing what needs to be done, so that you can do what you want with your free time.

On the other hand, if you truly believe there's a neurological or medical cause, see a therapist or a doctor rather than looking for validation from similar people on the internet.

TheOnelectronic > bourgeoisie
10/27/2013 at 18:26

This isn't a matter of being too lazy to do homework because I'd rather be out gettin' brewskis with my bros, bro.

It's a matter of being able to knock out an entire CS project in one 12-hour sitting, and spending that same 12 hours not making any progress whatsoever on homework for a different class. Imagine trying to concentrate while someone is constantly flicking you in the nose and shouting random numbers at you.

And it isn't just that I can't focus on things I have no interest in. It's that I become obsessed with the things that do interest me. Sleeping, eating, other people, outside... all of these become irrelevant. That is aberrant no matter how you slice it.

I can "sack up" all I want. The problem is that however much force I put against this issue is the exact same amount of force that pushes back. You're also neglecting the fact that living like an adult, food, shelter, all of that, also falls into that category of "far-off things that aren't really that important right now."

I spent years with that "I'm just lazy" mindset, and nothing improved. When you've hit a brick wall, the solution is very rarely "run into it a bunch of times."

And I'm not seeking "Validation." I'm simply trying to see if anyone else has dealt with this sort of thing, and what has worked for them. Where you may see excuses and blame-shifting, I see the result of spending the past few years trying to determine how best to succeed.

TheOnelectronic > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager
10/27/2013 at 18:26

There's society's roles, and then there's trying to graduate with a degree to represent my 3+ years of college.

TheOnelectronic > Atomic Buffalo
10/27/2013 at 18:29

That is exactly my point. Employers aren't looking at your ACTUAL competence, they're looking at a bunch of quantitative explanations of your competence. I can kick ass at a lot of things, but neither math nor writing papers are part of that group. And there's pretty much no major I can think of that doesn't require one of those two.

Frank Grimes > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 20:10

I really identify with this. I have been diagnosed with ADD but am currently just ignoring it which I think is bad. I think I should offer advice I need to take myself and that is to focus on your strengths and follow them where ever they take you.

Atomic Buffalo > TheOnelectronic
10/27/2013 at 23:39

Bad news, hoss: the ability to apply yourself to stupid stuff that you think doesn't matter is ACTUAL competence. Nobody wants to put anyone in charge of anything significant who hasn't demonstrated the ability to suck it up and even excel within a system.

Self-discipline is probably the single most valuable life skill you can have. Fake it if you have to.

TheOnelectronic > Atomic Buffalo
10/28/2013 at 00:45

Wait, you're saying I should just "suck it up" and do the things I need to do? Wow, why didn't I ever think of that before, like when pretty much everyone I've ever talked to has suggested that?

Oh, right, because I spent years trying that and it didn't work.

I'm not saying "Waaa the world isn't fair cuz I have to do things I don't like."

I'm more or less just venting a bit because this is a very frustrating problem to tackle.

Atomic Buffalo > TheOnelectronic
10/28/2013 at 01:49

Actually, you kind of were — I recognize the complaint because it's one I used to make. Might still make it if I hadn't had the rough edges ground down.

Try instrumental music, anything rhythmic; or light exercise to get the blood pumping; or just enough of an energy drink to concentrate; or simple deep breathing. Anything to keep you on task for 20 minutes straight. If you find something that works better, let me know, I could use the help.

bourgeoisie > TheOnelectronic
10/28/2013 at 10:14

I didn't say or imply laziness. Though, I find it interesting that "lazy" is what you reacted to, and very strongly at that.

My comment wasn't a personal indictment, it was simply an accounting of my own experience with the issues you describe, and how I both grew out of it and learned to deal with it. Take it as you will.

bourgeoisie > Atomic Buffalo
10/28/2013 at 10:19

I basically said the exact same thing in my response. I define self-discipline for myself as the ability to trudge through the monotony of life that doesn't interest me. Maturity is what helped me learn that monotony is most of life, and we do it so that we can enjoy the minority parts, which are things that we love and interest us.

He pulled the same defensive act in response to me, stomped his feet and said "how dare you call me lazy! " when what I actually said is that maturity and self-discipline will, in hindsight, show him the way.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
10/28/2013 at 13:26

Look dude, I sympathize with you. I know "suck it up" doesn't work. I've gone from being the smartest kid in school to being the guy all other nerds use for self reaffirmation in comparison. It doesn't work—nothing has worked and nothing will work for me. My dad yelling in my face year after year: useless. Every self-help trick in the book didn't work. You may be different, but some people subconsciously have a greater understanding and wider perspective of the world. Like lepie said, listen to yourself. If you can't function as just another cog, then don't try to. You will never be satisfied. You may be different, but if you get the "Am I broken" feeling, you may just be different. I posted looking for the same advice; I was disappointed with myself and unsatisfied with life. I finally feel good by embarking the route many other intelligent individuals have taken: freeing yourself from the restraints of society.

TheOnelectronic > Atomic Buffalo
10/28/2013 at 19:38

Energy drinks have ceased to be effective by this point.

And no, I really wasn't. There are plenty of things in this world I think are stupid and arbitrary (I really don't tolerate pointless bullshit formalities well. It's a character flaw) but this isn't one of them. Like it or not, I'm currently in a major I have no interest in, and I'm just trying to figure out how to rewire things in my head to make progress.

TheOnelectronic > bourgeoisie
10/28/2013 at 19:39

It's the result of hearing it most of my life from the people around me, and myself. I'm probably a little edgy about it

bourgeoisie > TheOnelectronic
10/28/2013 at 22:06

Fair enough, I wasn't trying to push any buttons. But the maturity/self-discipline point I made is something worth considering.

And I'd just like to note, maturity isn't fully within our control. Yes, we can make choices that are more mature than others, but the maturation of your brain functions is something that happens in hindsight, really. So don't beat yourself up, do your best and work toward your goals, but know that some things only come with time.